This time next week I'll be 18 |:
That's so scary, it's like I don't feel 18. I don't know what an 18 year old is supposed to feel like, but I feel really conscious of how little life experience I've had. 18 is being an adult and I am so not ready. Honestly.

I kind of wish my best friends lived really close, and we could go out and drink and watch horror movies in cinemas and smoke on the streets at midnight. And climb through my bedroom window still drunk and pass out on my bed. And wake up and go to college. I wish I was brave enough to get a chest full of tattoos and have really hardcore friends and stuff, but maybe that only happens in my head. I wish Frank Iero was my friend and Gerard and I just love My Chem thats so gay. I'm excited for my tattoo obviously, but I'm kind of rethinking cherry blossom in favour of something more graphic, more zombie or a vampire or some sort of horror medley. If I could draw I'd design my own but I guess I'll trawl the internet now for one.

I bet I put it on here too (':

HERES A LIST OF THINGS THAT I AM THINKING RIGHT NOW.

1. I wish I had extensions and my old fringe back instead of stupid ratty short hair and my fringe that never goes ok rahrah
2. I wish I was thinner so I wasn't fat ahah that makes sense but like, I just wish I wasn't such a mong yaknowww
3. Hate being single and awkward all the time blahhhh
4. Wish I had my driving test tomorrow, pass it and just get to drive my Ben around all the time.

thankyouuuu !

Where is Christmas ?
I was thinking about the appeal of Christmas before and all I could come up with was bells, snow and hand-holding. I want to feel cold and warm at the same time, and happy and nostalgic ! I want the promise of presents and the excitement of choosing those little things that sum someone up perfectly. I want to go to the markets after college and drink some mulled wine and buy strawberries in German chocolate after ordering in German, and most importantly - I want to get excited about snow first thing in the morning.

I've finally, finally decided on my five University choices and my course. I've still got doubts in my mind (should I do English Language, its the only subject I've been consistently above average in) but I think once I get into the course I'll find it really suits me !
Archaeology and Anthropology @
Bristol (AAB)
Birmingham (BBB)
Durham (ABB)
Queens Belfast (BBB)
Manchester (ABB)

Clearly, the best way to get in with the guy you have liked for a majillion years is to call him a fascist.
Somebody get me a relationship advice column.

Seeing as how I apparently don't use LJ anymore, I'm going to contemplate what today (and other recent events) could possibly mean. Like, seriously today the flirting got H-E-A-V-Y and trust me, I have seen heavy. All that talk of fucking and wink faces and 'slacking off', what the fuck do you want me to do with all that information ? Do you honestly want me to carry on acting like we are absolute best friends or are you finally going to admit that yeah, okay we've been more than that for about a year and a fucking half ! Asking me places, yes friends go places together but not with the pre-rigmarole of "ugh things never work out between us" and planning ahead. WHAT THINGS ? I have been telling everyone for months that there is nothing but then you go on about things between us and it just throws me. I love you, I actually absolutely adore you and you are a massive part of my life but you are also the most confusing, annoying, stupid person in the whole wide world. Seriously. And when we were talking about 'nice and attractive people' do not think I didn't get what you meant. So sorry to have to pretend that I didn't, but I did and I am just not okay with calling you out on that stuff. Because there is a huge pile of "what if" in my head and I can talk myself out of anything. So what if you don't like me, what if this is just how you are, what if I have gotten it all completely wrong and you are laughing your head off at me right now ? You're a bloody nightmare and I wish someone could take my mind off you.

I would like to remind the world that I do have, officially, the best friends in the whole wide world. I am not always as appreciative of this fact as I should be but I am recognising it publicly right now.

All my bitches and my good girls, I love you with all my silly little heart. Honestly. You always make me feel loved and special and I will never never forget it. Even though I might give my heart to all the boys in the world, it will always have your names on it swear !

Right now I have a lump of bone at the top of my foot that kind of itches in a funny way, which I think I should get checked out but oh well.

I love my girls, I do.


ex oh ex oh !

Today I fell through my friend Eve's ceiling. I ended up in A&E with an almost-fracture to my fourth and fifth metatarsals but no plaster (: I'm not allowed to walk on it but at least it's not broken ! Tomorrow I'm having two teeth out, so I'll be drugged up to my eyes all day ):

A list of entirely awesome things that are happening to me soon:

Friday - Saddleworth Whit Walks which is drinking and debauchery in a gorgeous setting with all my friends and meeting new people and generally enjoying myself

Monday - FINAL EXAM I really cannot express how happy I am that they are over and done with

June 19th - London to see my best friend/soul mate/other half and have the best two days of my life. Also to look at my first choice University, but that is less important !

July 8th - Calella de Palafrugell for a week. I miss that place so much and I'm so excited, so much that I've already starting building my base tan ;D

July 16th - HARRY POTTER DAY CULMINATING IN VIEWING THE NEW FILM AT NIGHT WITH MY GIRLS, OH MY GOD.

July 17th - Ne-Yo gig ! I still need to find an extra person but I'm so looking forward to it (:

Slightly not so good is the fact I'm having four teeth taken out in the next week and a half, and then having my brace fitted. I know I'm 17, what the fuck couldn't you have done this earlier?

Bandit Lee Way - Wednesday May 27th 2009.
You cruel, cruel man Gerard Way.

There was no need, was there.

Oh Harry Potter. As soon as I begin to recover you just come and reclaim me with your clammy Dementor hands, sucking all the interest out of me until I am entirely focused on knowing just about everything you can possibly know about you. You bastards.

Draco in a suit. Do I need this ? No. I have exams to be doing and revising for and getting good grades but all I can think is "if I was sitting my NEWTs I would so pass". WHICH IS A TRUTH but I should be thinking "Stalin" and "Reaganomics". I repeat, you bastards.

I'm going to start wearing my time turner again. And I'm going to quietly await my scenes of Draco!torso with baited breath.



But why did you put the release date back to the 15th ? the 17th was good, it really was.

Tonight was probably the most fun I've had in a while (:
I've got one of those headaches from laughing too much and my legs are absolutely frozen but I am so happy :D It was one of those nights where I should have had a camera but it's a good thing I didn't because otherwise I know I'd have missed all the fun. I need to stop developing crushes on people just because they're fun, this is not a good basis for a relationship (':

I took the 350 back home and it made me remember all those nights I sat on the bus for hours just to see you and my legs got cold and your hands were red but you kissed the end of my nose and warmed me up. But then I remembered you're also a dick, so it's okay again (:

F-O-U-R down.

i need the prettiness of spencer james smith v to cheer me up because ughhhh !
my head is exploding i have a temperature of youshouldbedead degrees and i feel like the walking wounded
because i am.

i managed to break my big toe on my right foot the other day which makes walking quite hard
but today, in the museum (on my first day off, what the hell) ginger managed to throw a childrens stool at my shin which then bounced onto every single bone that lives in my foot
so i can't use either leg
and i have a psychology exam in like 35 hours and that is correct to the minute (as of 10pm)

GUH GUH GUH

I am such an idiot.
Why on earth did I fall for the most attractive, unattainable boy in the history of the world ?
Not only does he have a million #1 (female) fans, but he's also one million times out of my league. He's clever, he's funny and he's nice and I should be focusing on the bad points but I really can't.

And it's horrendous because it's making me feel completely god awful about myself, like maybe if I lose fourteen million stone and get a face transplant and sort my hair out and change my voice and stuff then I'd stand a chance.

But I probably never would.


Why the fuck did he have to put his hands on me, the sexy fucker.

HI MY LIFE IS COMPLETELY FIXED NOW.
AND I DANCED WITH HIM AND HE PUT HIS HANDS ON MY HIPS AND I DIDN'T KNOW BUT I'M SO HAPPY
I want him, so bad it's dreadful.

Also, got my best friend back
1-0 TO ME, LIFE. TAKE THAT!

This is like getting to know you all over again
If only you didn't know everything about me already.

Today, N asked me why I didn't go after J because "he doesn't have a girlfriend and you have a link through A." I don't think he got that J is ridiculously attractive and I am not. I wish I could though, J is stupidly lovely. I bet she'll get him, she always does. I'm assuming G was a bit shocked at the hospital though, not what he expected am I. Definitely not worth straightening his hair for ten minutes before he could even share A's webcam (':

Boys make me laugh and I don't know why I abbreviated any of that, but I really do wish I was pretty so I could talk to J like a normal person. +headdesk.

onlyjustwhisper did a meme, I asked her to do me (!) and now I'm posting it.
For the two people that ever stumble across this forgotten land ;D

Comment on this entry, and I will:
1. Tell you why I friended you.
2. Associate you with something - fandom, a song, a color, a photo, a word etc.
3. Tell you something I like about you.
4. Tell you a memory I have of you.
5. Ask something I've always wanted to know about you.
6. Tell you my favorite user pic of yours.
7. In return, you must post this in your LJ.

Tonight alone I have:

* Slipped on my carpet
* Walked into my wardrobe (it's not a walk in, stfu)
* Propped my leg on my drawers to tan, then slipped
* Stood on a plug
* Thrown solution over myself
* Burnt my eyebrow with my straighteners


There is something wrong with me, surely.

The rumour mill always has a field day with me, so it's not surprising what I'm hearing. I can either pretend I haven't heard it, or take each rumour down one by one. I will choose to ignore it because it is so ridiculous. The idea that I would listen to what any of these people have to say about me, when I've heard it all ten times before, is ridiculous. This whole situation is ridiculous but we cannot decide where we end up, only how we get there.

I am not ready to go back, but I never will be so I will have to cope. I'm going take my music, my books and my brain and ignore everyone except those few that I can trust.
Good Lord, I cannot wait for this all to be over and for me to be able to live as I actually want to.